Mother-Love: The Oldest Magic

by Natalia Iwanyckyj

There is magic in the air. My windows are painted with frost. The snow sparkles and squeaks. It is very, very cold.

Walking into Target to buy gift cards for teachers, I noticed a mother carrying a toddler bundled in a pillow- coat. I fondly recalled my days of carrying puffy-clad children, first a bundle of pink and later, layers of blue. All of the effort and care required to take my children out in the freezing temperatures was made worthwhile at the sight of their rosy cheeks and amazed eyes.

This season of love and giving is a good time to notice: Mother Love is everywhere: cookies, baking; gifts, accumulating; stories, read; children, gloved and wrapped.

The Oldest Magic

What is magic?

“Magic is a bridge . . . that allows you to walk from the visible world over into the invisible world, and to learn the lessons of both those worlds.”

“And how can I learn to cross that bridge?”

“By discovering your own way of crossing it. Everyone has their own way.”

~ Paulo Coelho in Brida

Magic is a prominent theme in my life these days. I read about it, notice it, blog about it. I open myself to experiencing magic and it shows up for me – usually in subtle, unexpected ways.

Bridge of Potentiality

I love the idea of magic as a bridge between the visible and invisible worlds, between the obvious and the subtle. Mothers of Uniquely Magnificent children cross this bridge to see beyond the face value of “behaviors” and “traits.” Part of the magic is seeing something wonderful in our children where others see misbehavior and dysfunction.

What Others May See……….What We See [1]

Demanding………………… Holds High Standards
Unpredictable…………… Flexible, creative problem solver
Loud…………………………… Enthusiastic
Argumentative…………… Committed to goals/beliefs
Stubborn…………………… Willingness to persist
Wild…………………………… Energetic
Inflexible……………………. Traditional
Anxious……………………… Cautious
Picky…………………………… Selective
Whiny………………………… Analytical
Distractable……………….. Perceptive, notices everything

The Most Ancient Magic

We can shift to seeing the positive in our children because of the deep love we feel for them.

An Example from the Harry Potter Books

Because Harry Potter’s mother used her own body to shield Harry from Volemort’s killing curse, Harry is imbued with life-long strength and protection. Harry’s teacher and mentor, Albus Dumbledore, explains: When your mother gave her life for you, she gave you the protection of her love. That kind of love is the most ancient magic. (Clickhere to read more about J. K. Rowling and Maternal Magic and here to read my thoughts on how the Harry Potter phenomenon relates to autistic kids.)

We will never have the opportunity for the kind of maternal magic the mothers in Harry Potter perform. Most days, our love magic resembles the drudgery of house elves more than the glamor of brave and quick-witted witches. Still, that leaves plenty of opportunities to sprinkle some love.

Mother Magic

Meal Magic

A woman making dinner is invisible. To claim that she is engaged in healing her family and community and keeping her universe in balance is a lot to claim for dinner. (Susun S. Weed in Healing Wise.)

Have you ever wondered why, no matter how closely you follow the recipe, your grandmother’s apple pie does not taste the same when someone else makes it, or why there is such as thing as comfort food? When food is prepared, the feelings of the cook are transmitted in a real way. A meal thrown together in a hurry is usually eaten just as quickly. Slow down and slice an apple with love and linger as your child eats, and you have a moment for connection.

Mundane Magic

Just as you can prepare meals with love, you can pour your love into any daily task. Children feel our rushing and our patience, our confidence and our disgust. We can infuse them with some of the oldest magic by bathing, reading, playing, working – and by letting them know that we trust them to do things on their own.

Protective Magic

Sometimes, we are called to use all of our powers and to protect our children. When we stand up to bullies, teachers and friends to ensure that our children are seen and supported, we are using yet another Mother Magic.

Magic — not Martyrdom

Love is feeling and emotion and action. Give what you have to give in your own way. This is exactly what your children need. Just as the wand chooses the wizard, your child chose you. Your children do not need a perfect mother, they need you.

Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible. (source unknown)

Your love for your child will create a net of support for your child. Even when he or she feels scared or angry or alone, your love will be there. Like Lily’s love for Harry, your love will provide a protection that cannot be seen or measured, yet will be there your child life when he or she most needs it.

[1] These are from Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s excellent book, Raising Your Spririted Child.

Enjoy the love and magic of the season!

Evolving through Parenting

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A Holiday Gift for Yourself

by Natalia Iwanyckyj

My paternal grandmother was a master of self-indulgence and womanly arts. Each year, on my grandfather’s birthday, she would buy herself a new dress, “So he can enjoy looking at me.”

My grandmother managed to travel all over the world, despite limited means. My husband recalls her delight as she told him in heavily-accented English, “Mahyke. I go lots of places. Rome. Fatima. Mayami, every winter. I go Hawaii, tree time. I go Aruba. They have divi divi tree. ”

Her hair was always done and she was always carefully dressed. In her last years in a nursing home, she was known as Queen Irene.

It took me almost 40 years to appreciate her gift for honoring herself. Before that, I had considered her focus on appearances and travels shallow and frivolous. Now, I know that self-care, self-confidence, and self-love are not indulgences, but a necessary foundation for being able to do our work in the world. The most important aspect of my life work, at the moment, is caring for my children. When I nourish my body, soul, and spirit, my children have a much better mother.

From Me, To Me

In the midst of the holiday season, consider doing something nice for yourself. Linger in your favorite store, or avoid the stores and sit down for a cup of tea with a friend. Savor a good book, or give yourself permission to take a nap.

Consider giving yourself a gift that will keep on giving throughout the year. May I suggest the gift of camaraderie, support, and tools for easier living for mothers who want to see the best in their children?

My book, Swan Mothers, is available in paperback or Kindle formats. You can read the first chapter for free via Amazon’s sample.

Evolving through Parenting

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Natalia Erehnah on Starseed Radio Academy

by Natalia Iwanyckyj

This evening, Tuesday, November 26, 2013, I’ll be the featured guest on Starseed Radio Academy. Please listen and call in.

Learn more about Starseed Radio Academy at http://www.starseedhotline.com.

Evolving through Parenting

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11/11 Gateway to Easier, Happier Mothering

by Natalia Iwanyckyj

11/11. The ones of today’s date seem to create gates.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could step through a gateway to an easier, more joyful life with our children?
Wouldn’t it be nice if today were the day to take this step?

Whether your are reading this on November 11 or on a day with no elevens in the number at all, consider that today can be the day. Read on for some ideas for stepping into easier, happier living.

Reaching for “A Little Better”

Are you content with life? How do you see your children today? How do you feel?

Esther and Jerry Hicks created an Emotional Guidance Scale that helps us move from feeling bad to feeling better about whatever we are experiencing.

In looking at the chart, most of us yearn to be at the top, in the purple zone. Even the blue and green areas look good. We want to feel hopeful and happy and to appreciate our children and our lives. However, if we are currently in the gray or burgundy zones of guilt or grief or despair, the leap to joy seems inconceivable.

Instead of aiming for giant leaps, it is usually easiest and most productive to move through one gateway at a time. Sometimes, we simply step through. At other times, we must knock and a door will open. Once in a while, we need a battering ram.

Wouldn’t It Be Nice?

One way to move up a level its to find something — anything — that feels good about the current situation.

In the midst of a tantrum, consider finding something good. “My child is safe. I am staying calm and looking for a good way to handle this moment.”
When you child struggles to communicate, consider, “We have wonderful speech therapists. Look how she tries to show me what she wants!”
As your child insists on the thousandth meal of the same food, think, “It is so easy to feed him. I know what he wants.”

Celebrate Success, Celebrate Yourself and Your Child

Every step is one that brings you closer to the Joy Zone. Anger and rage may not, by conventional standards, seem like a good thing. But anger and rage let you know that your do not feel powerless. You are moving closer to hopefulness and joy.

Tools for the Journey

Please browse the blog archives for tips for really easy ways to support you as you step through each level.

Consider exploring:

Next time you see 11:11 on the clock, take a deep breath and think of one thing that feels good about that moment. Every good feeling that you focus on will bring you closer to more experiences that feel good.

Tips for Helping Yourself

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Words Matter: Moving from Casual Cruelty to Conscious Kindness

by Natalia Iwanyckyj

In a whole wide world of color-related words to choose from, Sephora selected Celebutard as the name of a lipstick hue. I’m sad that we live in a world where people would want to buy something named “Celebutard,” or that marketing/sales thinks they would. We need to consider the effect of “clever” words before we send them into the world.

Before I had children, before I realized one of my children is autistic, I did not think about the misuse of words like retard or spaz. I did not think that saying, “I’m a little OCD,” to refer to my preference for order might be painful to someone listening. I didn’t think saying, “That’s retarded” when I meant, “That doesn’t make sense” was bad. I did not think about the power of words.

Becoming aware makes us kinder people.

I am a first-generation Ukrainian-American. I grew up in an all-things-Ukrainian community. We Ukrainians were perpetually deeply offended because most people, if they had heard of Ukraine at all, thought it was the same as Russia. (This has changed since November 2013.) I thought I was so smart because I knew where Ukraine was on a map and knew some Ukrainian history. I knew not to say “The” Ukraine.

Then, in college, I started discovering what I did not know. I had never heard of Cambodia and was uncertain of Pakistan and Indonesia’s locations in the world. I did not know that people my age had, as small children, hidden in self-dug basements while bombs fell or terrorists searched for them.

Oops. Not as smart as I had thought.

We know what we know. And we don’t know much more. None of us knows everything.

We are ourselves, with our own experiences, gifts, and challenges.

But we can learn — by listening to and reading stories of fellow humans.

I have found that it is impossible to hate someone once you know their story.

If you think it’s okay to casually use the R-word or variations thereof as an insult, please read this post about a beautiful cognitively impaired girl. Then, read more stories about people (you think are) not like you. Listen. Tell your story.

Another great post on what’s wrong with Celebutard.

Knowing and understanding are bliss. Ignorance is not.

Evolving through Parenting

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The Story of Writing a Book

by Natalia Iwanyckyj

I had it in me all along.
Of course.
But I didn’t know.
Didn’t admit it.

Modesty,
sometimes very real,
sometimes really phony,
fell away.
Realization came in flash:
I would write a book.

Imbued with insight
from an experienced author-coach,
Supported in camaraderie
by a circle of writers,
I stripped bare
revealing, repeatedly, my Self.

Though I prefer the safety of caves and shadows,
silence deep in the forest,
stillness of night,
though exposure felt odd and new,
writing felt right.
I wrote.

On October 22, 2012, the paperback edition of Swan Mothers was published.

On October 31, 2012, the Kindle edition was released into the world.

Publications was . . . anticlimactic. The road to holding the book in my hands had been long, winding, and interspersed with reroutings. And yet, there was a feeling of having arrived. I had accomplished something Big. I had written and published a (really awesome) book. I knew my book would heal mothers and improve the lives of children. I know it will transform the world.

The knowing is ephemeral, slippery.
One day, I know,
KNOW for sure.
The next,
I know nothing at all.

A reviewer writes:
someone has put into words and clarified for me what my soul knows to be true
and my soul sings.

No books sell for a month,
and I wonder why I wrote at all.
Why did You lead me to believe this work was Divinely inspired?
Why did You make me think taking myself and my family public was acceptable?
Why, oh, why, am I here?

One year later:
Exposed.
Stripped.
Exhibited.
Wondering
where to go, now that I’ve arrived,
what to do, now that this work is done.

Editing to say, you can buy Swan Mothers from Amazon.com.

Evolving through Parenting

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Homeopathy for Children Who Can’t Even Look at Food without Gagging

by Natalia Iwanyckyj

Eating. Most parents don’t even think about it. They give their children whatever they’ve always eaten and the children eat. Other parents seek out organic foods, prepare meals from scratch, and avoid fast food. They worry about what their children eat, but their children do eat.

And then there are children who can’t eat anything lumpy, smelly, gritty, chewy, or colored. They subsist on chicken nuggets and French fries or all white and smooth foods. No matter how we prepare or hide the fruit and vegetables, our children can’t even look at them without gagging. Putting foods of the “wrong” texture or color in their mouths is unthinkable.

Eating difficulties are among the most common concerns of mothers who contact me and participate in my groups. Parents are deeply concerned about nutritional deficits, growth, and digestion.

A Case of Gagging and Regurgitating Food

During my homeopathy internship, a thirteen year-old boy named “Cedric” was brought to our clinic by his mother. He had been seen for years by various physicians, including numerous visits to a top-ten university’s medical department.

Cedric’s primary complaint was very severe gagging and regurgitation of food. He suffered from headaches and said that his mouth and tongue itched when eating fresh fruit and vegetables. These kinds of unusual symptoms are very useful to a homeopath. When I looked them up in the reperatory (a book which list symptoms and the substances that have been found to cause and cure them), the remedy that appeared was alumina.

Homeopathic alumina was prescribed and when he returned a month later he reported that the gagging was greatly reduced. He was feeling good and had experienced no incidents of regurgitating food.

Investigating Alumina

Thinking about Cedric, my own children, and the many others who find eating difficult, I began to wonder about alumina. I discovered it has these uses:

filler for plastics
common ingredient in sunscreen
catalyst in the process of converting hydrogen sulfide waste gases into elemental sulfur in refineries
used to remove water from gas streams
in toothpaste
in dentistry, it is used as a polishing agent to remove stains
in hip replacements
in vaccines (see also Is Aluminum the New Thimerosal?)

Homeopathy 102

Homeopaths learn what conditions a homeopathic medicine will cure through the use of experiments called drug provings. During a drug proving, healthy individuals take the remedy being tested. They report all physical, mental and emotional symptoms that occur.

This in-depth reporting of a remedy’s action reveals the full scope of a substance’s healing capabilities. The symptoms experienced by the provers are the very symptoms that the remedy will be used to heal.

Proving Alumina

When healthy individuals proved alumina, these signs and symptoms were noted.

Can swallow only small morsels
Sense of constriction from the esophagus down to the stomach every time he swallows a morsel of food
Violent, pressing pain, as if a portion of the esophagus were contracted or compressed in the middle of the chest
Spasmodic pain in middle of chest, on swallowing food and drink
Constipation (no desire for stool, even after a week or two)
Great difficulty evacuating, even soft stools
Craves indigestible things (chalk, pencils, earth, etc.)
Food aversions
- Meat
- Potatoes
- Onions

Greatly affected by tobacco smoke
Rabid hunger OR aversion to food with no desire to eat
Itching tongue
Fear of knives, needles and sharp objects

Alumina is particularly indicated for delicate children, especially those who have been artificial baby foods.

Homeopathic Remedies for Eating Challenges

If you are wondering if homeopathic alumina is the remedy that will help your child swallow food, please keep in mind that homeopathic remedies are most effective when they are prescribed for individuals rather than single symptoms.

The homeopathic literature is filled with information on remedies for children who refuse to eat. Specific foods that are desired and refused appear in long lists. Effects on the mouth, tongue, stomach and disposition are noted. Times of day when food is wanted or rejected are relevant. In short, everything matters when selecting a homeopathic remedy.

To read more tips about feeding children with eating challenges, please see When Your Child Won’t Eat.

Homeopathy & Cell Salts Making Children More Comfortable

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Mothers of Unique Children: Let the World Hear Your Roar

by Natalia Iwanyckyj

There is an old Zen story about a young lioness that was lost on a mountainside. She is found by a ewe who nurses her and cares for her.

As the lioness grows, all of the sheep can see that she is very different. Her fur is the color of a autumn leaves rather than the white of clouds. Her face is broad and her teeth sharp.

Still, she eats the same grass and drinks the same water as all of the other sheep and is tolerated in the group.

One day, an old lion approaches the herd. The sheep run, but the golden one gazes upon him. He leads her to a pond were she sees that her reflection matches his. Still, she wants to stay with those she knows, in the place where she is safe and comfortable.

The old lion roars, “Don’t run away from who you are. You may have grown up with a herd of sheep, but you have grown into a beautiful lioness. Lions are strong, independent and brave. There are many more things that you can do and places you can go.”

The ewe approaches her golden child with a blessing and, with an expression of gratitude, the lioness turns and leaves the herd.

Breaking Out of What You’ve Been Conditioned to Believe About Yourself

What do you see when you look in the pond? Many of us have spend a lifetime learning how to be sheep. We may be convinced that we are sheep because we eat the same grass and drink the same water.

But what would happen if we let go of our conditioning and stepped on a path of adventure? What if we went forth assured of only one thing: growth.

What could we see if we looked with new eyes?

Led by Our Children

If you are reading this, you probably have children that are quite confidently not sheep. They may be challenging to parent and difficult to live with. Could this be because they know who they are? Could they be showing us that we too are not sheep — for lionesses birth lion cubs, not lambs.

My children have certainly led me away from the herd. The road is sometimes lonely, sometimes scary, and sometimes painful. At other times it is exciting and fun and wondrous beyond anything I could have imagined. Always, it teaches me something new.

This post was inspired by the cards of the Osho Zen Tarot Set (Ozt99) #

Evolving through Parenting

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Autism Awareness Flight (2)

by Natalia Iwanyckyj

This is a continuation of the post Autism Awareness Flight (1).

More Farms

The miles of farmland stretch on and on and on. I look upon our Planet from this vantage point and see a vast expanse shaped and raped to meet our “needs.” I ask myself: Is the Earth really ours to change so severely? Are our children ours to bend to our will?

Immediately the “but they have tos” begin. But they have to learn to live in society. But they have to fit in. Have to read, write, eat, socialize, hold a pencil like this, hold a fork like that, look people in the eye when they talk to them.

Or maybe they don’t. Maybe we don’t.

Maybe we can move into more harmonious relationships with the Earth. Maybe we don’t need to (figuratively) beat our children into submission. Maybe we can let them grow and blossom naturally. Maybe we will be surprised to discover that who and how they are is just fine.

And Still More Farms

I am waiting for the terrain to change. I am waiting for an elegant way to end this post which became so long that it became two.

But there is no change. The neat grid stretches on.

Chicago, Lake Michigan

Houses. Buildings. Roads.

A world of concrete and rooftops covers the land now. The land has been so utterly transformed by people that whatever was there before can no longer be found.

I am relieved as we fly over Lake Michigan. Though I know Her waters have been polluted, I imagine that She has looked this way, at least from my vantage point in the sky, for a long time.

Reflections During the Decent

My flight today took me 1690 miles across the country. It was only in Her most inhospitable spots, Her highest mountains, deepest gorges, and driest deserts that the Earth managed to remain mostly unmodified. Is this Her way of keeping a part of Herself pure and true?

Are the so-called walls of autistic children a defense against being altered against their will, their way to remain pure, a means for retaining their true essence?

MORE Farms and Detroit

As I continue to survey the acres of Earth distorted by us, I realize that we will never know Earth in these spots. We have changed her too thoroughly.

Yesterday, I hiked in a canyon which was carved thousands of feet into an enormous expanse of rock that was once the bottom of the ocean. The Earth? She will cleanse Herself. She will reshape Herself. She will survive this time with us for she has survived billions of years and will survive billions more.

But we are determining our legacy now with each thought and word and deed.

What we have already done to our Planet and what we have already done to our children is done. What we do now, what we say tomorrow, and the actions we take next week and next year, these remain in our power to control.

Final Thoughts

Though my flight took me across many state lines, I did not see markings demarcating state boundaries drawn upon the Earth. There are no lines between states or countries other than those we set down. There are no walls between people other than those we define.

I look forward to the day when there are no lines drawn between us. I invite a time when there is no autistic, no divergent, and no normal. I welcome a time when there is an honoring of all diversity as an essential component of the whole.

Namaste.

Evolving through Parenting

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Autism Awareness Flight (1)

by Natalia Iwanyckyj

This post is brought to you from 30,000 feet in the air, from Phoenix to Detroit. As I look at my fellow passengers, I see people napping, reading, chatting, working. In three hours, we will have traversed most of the country. Yet no one seems astounded by the magic that we are experiencing, sitting in cushioned seats flying through the air. Just as few seem to perceive the magic that is present in today’s children.

Mountains and Red Earth

We’ve been in the air less than 20 minutes. Already the landscape has changed from mountains to green valleys to flat red Earth. In the distance, I see smoke as some part of the Earth transforms from wooded to charred. Below me, I see vast spans of almost-untouched Earth. Narrow roads wind through the red plain, but there are no farms, few buildings. Newly alert after my time in Sedona, I take in the majesty of our Planet. And I wonder what I missed all those times I boarded a plane and fell asleep before the plane even took off. I wonder too what I missed while I was worrying about labels and growth charts and milestones. What miracles were unfolding while I was analyzing child development charts and evaluating information from books?

Gorges, Canyons and More Mountains

Out my airplane window, I see deep gouges in the Earth. There was a time when I would have wanted to know the name of these formations and what geological events were responsible for this dramatic design on the Earth. Now, I am content to gasp in wonder, to look. There was a time when I wanted a name for what was going on with my children. Now I am content to be dazzled by their brilliance without understanding every reason for how and why they are the way they are.

My Version of Autism Awareness

I don’t need to label what I see out my window. I don’t need to label children or people. My practice of autism awareness is to honor magnificently unique people in all their expressions.

Clouds

We are flying over a thick layer of clouds. Of course, there are countless creations of Nature and Humanity below, even though I do not see them. There is much talk in some parts of the autism world of children in shells, children to be recovered. This is not my perception. Perhaps there are simply clouds obstructing our view. Clouds have purpose, function, and beauty. Clouds move and change. Some of the clouds are in our eyes.

Farms between the Clouds

There is space between the clouds. The ground below me is divided into astonishingly precise squares. Every inch, as far as I can see has been conquered by humans. Some of my family’s food is probably grown here. For this I am grateful. Yet as I gaze at the grid below, I find myself overcome with sadness as I consider: What have we done? What are we doing? Is the world ours to conquer, to plow and poison and fertilize into submission? Are our children ours, to bend to our wills and our visions for them? This post has gotten long, so I will tell you about the remainder of this flight in Autism Awareness Flight (2).

Evolving through Parenting

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Discovering Ourselves through Parenting

The Oldest Magic

What is magic?

Bridge of Potentiality

The Most Ancient Magic

An Example from the Harry Potter Books

Mother Magic

Meal Magic

Mundane Magic

Protective Magic

Magic — not Martyrdom

From Me, To Me

Reaching for “A Little Better”

Wouldn’t It Be Nice?

Celebrate Success, Celebrate Yourself and Your Child

Tools for the Journey

Becoming aware makes us kinder people.

Oops. Not as smart as I had thought.

I have found that it is impossible to hate someone once you know their story.

Knowing and understanding are bliss. Ignorance is not.

A Case of Gagging and Regurgitating Food

Investigating Alumina

Homeopathy 102

Proving Alumina

Homeopathic Remedies for Eating Challenges

Breaking Out of What You’ve Been Conditioned to Believe About Yourself

Led by Our Children

More Farms

And Still More Farms

Chicago, Lake Michigan

Reflections During the Decent

MORE Farms and Detroit

Final Thoughts

Mountains and Red Earth

Gorges, Canyons and More Mountains

My Version of Autism Awareness

Clouds

Farms between the Clouds

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