This headline appeared in my Facebook feed one day. Landon Bryce, an autistic adult, opened his post with these words: This does not mean that if you hate autism, you do not also love autistic people. But you hate part of them.
On my Blessed by (Autism) Uniquely Magnificent Children Facebook page, I asked parents to comment on the above statement. They replied:
I hate autism and how my son is disabled and with low intelligence. I love my son. (Jo)
I don’t like autism but I love my daughter for who she is. (Annette)
On the surface, it seems that it is possible to hate autism while loving autistic individuals. When we dig deeper, we begin to sense the truth of Landon’s assertion.
I Hate that You Hit Your Sister, But I Love that You’re Impulsive
If my child were not impulsive, she would control her urge to hit. If she did not hit, her gentle parents would not (ahem) lose control and scream as if possessed. If she could be a little more thoughtful, we could have a more pleasant, more normal life. (Why yes, perceptive reader, impulsivity does reside in our house.)
Enter Wabi Sabi Love
Listening to a New Consciousness Review podcast with Arielle Ford, I heard about Wabi Sabi Love. Arielle, self-described Fairy Godmother of Love, introduced the concept this way:
Wabi Sabi is an ancient Japanese aesthetic that honors all things, old, worn, weathered, imperfect, and impermanent. So if you had a large vase with a crack in it, the Japanese would put it on a pedestal and shine a light on the crack.
Wikipedia says:
[Wabi-sabi] nurtures all that is authentic by acknowledging three simple realities: nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect.[3]
700 years ago, understanding emptiness and imperfection was honored as tantamount to the first step to satori, or enlightenment. In today’s Japan, the meaning of wabi sabi is often condensed to ″wisdom in natural simplicity.″ In art books, it is typically defined as ″flawed beauty.″ [4]
Wabi Sabi for Everybody
Here’s the thing:
We are all flawed, and we are all stunningly beautiful. Everything is In Creation, a work in progress. All is perfect, even when it doesn’t seem that way.
Arielle encourages us to tell a new story about the characteristics or traits that we perceive as flaws. A non-implusive Ellana would mean no joyful, exuberant, and very loud outbursts of singing, no wild swinging, no boisterous play with her brothers. A non-impulsive Jonathon would mean no running leaps into my arms, no tumbling on the bed, no shooting sounds during play.
Non-impulsive, my children would be calmer and quieter, but they would not be themselves. And I like them exactly the way they are.
For Valentine’s Day, Arielle Ford created the Wabi Sabi Amnesty Vow. Check it out and consider writing a Wabi Sabi promise to your children. Consider writing one for your partner. Or for yourself.
Here’s my adaptation of Arielle’s Amnesty Vow:
Love by Pastel Punk on Deviant Art
Dear (Child),
I love you. You have been bringing me joy from the moment you were born. I appreciate every day that we are together. Often, I’m not good at showing it.
As you know, (oh, how you know!), for the past (16) years I have been criticizing you for (being disorganized, loud, and unaware). I have recently learned about a concept called Wabi Sabi Love. It’s all about learning to find beauty and perfection in people, situations, and things exactly the way they are.
I now make a Wabi Sabi Vow to you. Starting now, I am telling a new story. I will do my best to find the beauty and perfection in your unique way of being and doing things, especially those that have bothered me in the past.
Please forgive me for all of the times I yelled at and misunderstood you. Thank you for being you and for all that you do.
Love, Mama
P.S. I will need to practice this Wabi Sabi thing. When I begin to slip up, I give you permission to put me back on track by saying “Where’s the Wabi Sabi Love?”
Adapted from Arielle Ford at www.wabisabilove.com
Written for
Thank you. You have given me things to think about in relation to all aspects of my life. There is much to learn from the idea of Wabi Sabi.